Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
