I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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