I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
