I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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