I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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