I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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