her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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