I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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