All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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