I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
