Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
