My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
