fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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