I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
