i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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