i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
