walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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