The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
