In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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