Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
