i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
