fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
