i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
