I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
