i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
