I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
