Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
