WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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