You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
please come you make the beer taste better
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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