its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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