I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
