I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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