Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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