The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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