Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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