Where are you?
In a non slutty way
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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