Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm going to jail i love you
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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