I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
