All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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