dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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