I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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