a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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