Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
