me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
