When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
