threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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