Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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