he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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