im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
