just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
